Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny

Starring: Jack Black, Kyle Gass.
Directed by: Liam Lynch
Release Date: November 2006
Trailer: [Via YouTube][Via Apple Movies]

This is what you've been waiting for right? For a good old fashioned movie trashing. Well you're about to get it. Pick of Destiny is a horrific film in almost every possible way, allow me to explain.

First things first, what's it all about, when you get right down to it? Well...Jack Black leaves his rock hating father (Meatloaf in a wasted cameo) behind, and heads for Hollywood on the advice of aged rocker Ronnie James Dio, who speaks (sings) to him via a poster in a prophetic manner. There he meets Kyle Gass and after a rocky start involving a pizza guy, a lot of weed and some arse birthmarks, Tenacious D is formed. They go on to discover a demon guitar pick made from the tooth of Satan is the reason for the skill of so many great rockers past. And now they simply must have it or face the fate of not being able to pay the rent.

Wait, what? Demon guitar picks you say? Well...It's outrageous, but there's nothing wrong with that in itself. The little vignette that explains the pick is one of the better moments of the film, being funny and a treat visually. The backbone of the film is an amusing concept, everyone knows that Satan is inextricably tied with rock music. The fact that the film meanders towards its conclusion through all the predictable paths (and some bizarre ones) is less satisfying. You'll have the plight, the discovery, the mission, the break up, the reconciliation, the triumph turning to failure, and the realisation. The D does a job of letting you know, that they know, that this is standard fare for movies, by highlighting the most recognisable chapters on screen. This does not make the film any less predictable or bizarre in its choices. At one point Jack Black will comment on the extra brake in the teaching car he's driving, (which belongs to the pizza guy character who seems to have no other use at all than to lend the duo his car) you don't have to be a genius to see that's going to be a factor later on.

The film is disjointed and flows badly, some of the scenes feel tacked on and pointless. It doesn't help itself by starting off slowly and then feeling oddly rushed as the story reaches its point, or what little of a point it has. It's poorly written from a comedic standpoint, containing more than one instance of questionable humour. In the first five minutes of the film we're treated to fart jokes and the word poo at least twice. That's kind of base level of comedy we're dealing with here. We'll see Jack Black pulling his array of stupid faces, doing his silly voices and generally dancing around in a comedic fat man manner, all the things Jack Black does best. Kyle will provide little to none of the laughs, preferring to languish in the realms of badly acting the 'straight man' instead.



Let's just get this little nugget out of the way, if you ever thought a man landing on a tree branch testicles first was hilarious, then you're in safe hands. I certainly thought we were well past the days of that old joke, the D seem to think there's a few more laughs in it yet. Ever think it would be funny if someone shit themselves while they happened to be on the toilet? Ever laugh at that old chestnut and favourite of American sitcoms, the wig reveal? And oh man, look at those guys, they're so stoned! I can barely contain my laughter.

It's not all bad on the comedy front, there are some genuine laugh out loud moments, even with this kind of dumb comedy (let's face it, we all loved Dumb and Dumber, and that was about as stupid as it gets). If you fire out one stupid joke after another for and hour and a half, some of them are bound to hit the target. So it's not a complete whirling pit of despair after all...But it's hanging onto the edge of the precipice by the skin of its teeth. The pointless and badly set up Sasquatch sequence will provide a few giggles after it's crow-barred unceremoniously into the movie for no apparent reason other than presumably to stem the tide of predictability, only to be brought slamming back down to earth with the aforementioned tree + balls = pain joke. That's how this films plays out, one shining moment of glory (well, almost) fooling you into thinking things are about to get better, only to cripple your hopes with another instance of toilet humour or another self-referential joke.

Now I mentioned there were some genuinely funny moments.
Where the film comes into its own is musically. Let's forget about what little score there is, it's a painfully familiar sounding comedy film score. The genius of the film comes from the D songs. The songs are so well crafted that they can even get away with the toilet humour without a cringe, they are without a doubt the best thing about the whole film. Clever, catchy and hilariously relevant to the on screen events. The times when I was laughing, it was because of the music. So why not save yourself half an hour and just listen to the CD? Well, you'll miss the references to the events on screen that way and I have to say that's the only reason I can think of to watch this film. At the very beginning of the film you could be forgiven for thinking you were in for some kind of epic rock musical and the film would have been better had it kept up that premise.

Wait! I hear you cry, aren't there some cameos worth mentioning in this movie? Why yes, there are, let me mention them. Can a film with cameos from Tim Robbins and Ben Stiller be disregarded as having no merit in said cameos? Yes. Yes it can. Stiller is resolutely unfunny and tries his best to ruin one of the best moments of the film. Tim Robbins fairs better and actually provides a couple of the giggles, but it's nothing you'll regret missing.

To be fair, your first warning light should have started flashing right around the 'directed by' part. I think I'm safe in saying Mr. Lynch's back catalogue of directing projects leaves something to be desired and he won't be chalking up a winner with this one either. It's true that you don't need to be an amazing director to make a good comedy film. You do however have to have a good script and some good comic actors and as always, the editing is key...Oops. I'll never know how much of a hand Lynch had in the script, but he's shouldering the blame along with Black and Gass. We could blame Lynch for a number of things that made this film bad...So should we? The bad acting, well you can only do so much with the actors you're given I suppose and when they're Jack Black and Kyle Gass you have my sympathy. The editing I feel sure I can blame on Lynch. A little work might have had the film feel tighter and more driven, instead of badly paced. That oh so familiar generic sounding comedy scoring leaves me wondering if he's deaf.

In short, Pick of Destiny is tired, unoriginal and badly executed. It's the D doing what the D do, for far too long. Make it stop now, please?

Big Fish

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Albert Finney and Billy Cudrup.
Directed By: Tim Burton
Release Date: December 2003
Trailer: [Via YouTube] [Via AllTrailers.net]

Usually I don't like to review a film until I've seen it at least twice. First impressions are great, but I've been known to loathe a film upon first viewing and adore it upon closer inspection. So having only seen Big Fish for the first time yesterday I'm almost certain to change my opinion of it at a later date, but for now, let me tell you all about its great achievements and terrible shortcomings.

Tim Burton. Yes, good old Tim Burton, the man with what's possibly the greatest run of movies of all time in the late '80s and early '90s, Beetlejuice (1988), Batman (1989), Edward Scissorhands (1990), Batman Returns (1992) and Ed Wood (1994). You may have realised that I've left out The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) on the technicality that he didn't direct it, but it's worth a mention because he did of course write it. The real shame here is that all this was followed by Mars Attacks, then a three year gap and what did we get for our wait...Sleepy Hollow. So let's dive right in and say Big Fish is Burton's best film since 1994, but it's certainly not perfect.

So, what's it about? Well, Will Bloom (Cudrup) throws a hissy fit at his father for always telling stories, skip forward a few years and dear old daddy Ed Bloom (Finney as the elder and McGregor as the younger) is on his death bed. And poor little Will feels like he doesn't know his father and so we're treated to Ed's life story through a series of outlandish tall tales, during which Will continues to cry his eyes out because he father won't ever just tell the truth. I always found it pretty obvious that the backbone of these stories is going to prove to be pretty much true, so it was always hard to sympathise with Will as a character.



There's where the film falters, Will does nothing but complain, but we don't really see any evidence of his fathers failings as a parent. What we are shown is Will as a child being regaled with his fathers stories...This is bad parenting...How exactly? Yes yes, Will didn't know his Dad's life story, how many of us really know that much about our parents outside of their capacity as parents anyway? It's much easier to connect with Ed, since it's his life we're seeing unfold, albeit in an embellished fashion. Not mention the fact that he's...Well...Dying.

Here we hit another snag though. The film is ultimately about this father son relationship, but the narrative is the quirky tales of Ed Blooms life. The trouble with all this quirk is that while it's enjoyable, it feels like quirk for quirks sake. Since the story never really seems to be heading anywhere in particular which in my experience is a pitfall with life stories on film, it's free to indulge itself in being outlandish at the expense of a tight narrative and a sense that we're heading to a satisfying conclusion. The ride is however still enjoyable if you take it as a series of short stories, in fact, the quirky little tales are the best thing about the movie and work well when you cast aside the main backbone of the story, which will do all it can to melt away during these portions anyway, until you're jarred back into reality to more of Will's crying.

I never found the film to be particularly spectacular visually aside from a few flashes of brilliance, but on the whole it's pleasing in that regard. The acting is a little...Expansive, but fitting for the tall tale portions. Finney's performance was the winner for me and the emotion I invested into this film, albeit little, was directed towards his character and situation.

Danny Elfman is a staple of Tim Burton films and his Oscar nominated score will do more to illicit sympathy with Will than the characterisation. It's always a joy to hear Elfman's music in a film and Big Fish doesn't disappoint in that regard. Of course, these days I'm all too used to the swelling scores letting me know when I should be crying my eyes out so I make a point of noting it, and it happens in this film, just like in many others. It's not detrimental to the overall effect of the score however, I was looking for those moments and still managed to enjoy it.

The conclusion of the film is less than satisfying, Will will transition into crying about not knowing his father to crying about having known him all along, which was always the obvious character arc with him. Ed will finally succumb to death after having the heart-wrenching moment with his son, which will of course be accompanied by the swelling score.

And in a similar way, the conclusion to this review will be less than satisfying. You may have come under the impression that I didn't think much of this film, but that's not accurate. I did enjoy it, and will be watching it again in the future. It's colourful, imaginative, has some cameos worth catching and has a good score. The narrative outside of the tall tales lets it down, but doesn't make it a horrible film. So, not brilliant, and not bad. Let's say 'Good'. Told you it would be less than satisfying.

That is all. Cue swelling score.

Alien

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, Ian Holm, Yaphet Kotto, Veronica Cartwright, John Hurt, Harry Dean Stanton and Bolaji Badejo as the Alien.
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Release date: May 1979
Trailer: [via YouTube] [via AllTrailers.net]

This is a bit of a difficult review for me in a sense. Let it be known now that Alien is one of my favourite movies of all time, definitely slots into my top 5 and probably top 2. Therefore I find it extremely difficult to be objective, but since I don't have to be, let the praise begin.

Let's get the necessary and frankly unimportant stuff out of the way first. Alien is a sci-fi horror film about the crew aboard a commercial towing vessel called the Nostromo. They're woken from hypersleep unexpectedly halfway home to investigate a distress beacon of some kind. And so ensues the alien face eating terror. I'm kidding, there's no face eating. But yes, there is an Alien. (shock horror spoiler alert!)

Now let's get down to business and talk about the important things. Kicking off with the director behind this masterpiece. The supremely talented Ridley Scott, also responsible for another of my most loved cinematic masterpieces, namely Blade Runner. But hold on a second, let's not forget that Mr. Scott is also responsible for the directing and producing of G.I. Jane and the promising first half of Gladiator and then sadly the extremely disappointing conclusion. So, a mixed bag for Ridley.

Alien is Scott's second feature film, after 1977 Cannes award winner The Duellists, and remains to this day his best. Scott is much renowned for his offhand approach towards directing actors, preferring to line up his shots instead, and it shows. The actors will sometimes fumble lines a little or repeat themselves and look a little bit more unsure of what's going on that in your regular modern Hollywood film, it may be due to the fact that a lot of the dialogue came from improvising. Honestly, I think it adds character. Let's face it, being a little awkward and tripping over words is realistic if not desirable in any other movie, in this movie, it fits so perfectly that I find myself wondering if that's the reason Scott paid his actors no heed. The pay off for this awkwardness is the fact that this film is dripping with atmosphere. And when I say dripping, I mean it's positively gushing from every filmic pore. It's not often that a film attempts to make its audience this tense, this expectant, over such a long period. There's a good wait of 40 minutes or so before things really kick off in an action horror sense, the first five minutes of the film are completely without dialogue and the last portion of the film is largely without it too. So what did that mean to me as a viewer? That I was bored out of my mind waiting for someone to die? Hardly. What it actually means is that it's hard to be sure what's going to happen because it feels like anything could happen at any moment. The slow burning tension is enough to keep anyone on the edge of their seat, the constant steady humming of the ship only heightening the sense of anticipation because there's never any doubt that there is no escape here. There are very few clear cues for the bad things to happen, yes sometimes it's easy to know when something IS going to happen, for example when someone wanders off alone it's probably not going to end well, but there are numerous other times when nothing happens and it's not difficult to find that you're waiting for it...And waiting for it...And waiting for it, until it becomes unbearable. It's easy to watch the film and think, where is the threat coming from here? But I always find myself looking for it at every turn and that's quite a feat. The not knowing is a large part of what makes this such a sucessful horror film, those moments when the shit does hit the fan have all the greater impact for the long wait that preceeded it. And trust me, on a first viewing it is a scary film.

It's difficult to find that kind of slow pace in a modern film and it's a shame because here it works so well, these days it would probably be a crime to assume an audience has the patience to sit through that kind of build up. Pacing is always a key element in a film and in if you're an impatient shithead who only likes films like Bad Boys II where the film starts out with things blowing up...Then some things blow up and then right at the end more things blow up, then this film isn't for you.

If you do have any kind of patience whatsoever though, you'll stick with it and let the film drag you in slowly. And by the time it has you, it's so easy not to care that the wait for the title to start making sense is a little longer than usual, because all it means is that it's easier to absorb the amazing Nostromo set, built from bits of scrap aeroplane and whatever else they could get their hands on and not break the relatively low budget, the equally stunning H.R. Giger designed 'space jockey' set aboard the alien ship, the gorgeous and truly atmospheric lighting and camera work, especially the handheld shots filmed by Scott himself, and last but not least the stunning performances from the actors.

That's right, a sci-fi film with good acting, who would have guessed it. Let me assure you that you'll be relishing the work of the cast, fine actors like John Hurt and Ian Holm, who despite probably being most well known as a a wand selling wizard and a fat hobbit respectively these days, are both in fact fabulous character actors. Holm's performance as slightly sinister Science Officer Ash will have you singing his praises, Kane's fate and the way Mr. Hurt handles it will have to be seen to be believed. Harry Dean Stanton's portrayal of Brett leaves him saying little more than 'right' throughout the film, but there's no less empathy with him as a character for it. Let's not forget Sigourney Weaver, this is the film that made her a Hollywood star, and rightly so, there could not have been a more perfect Ripley had they spent 15 years casting this film.

Let's make a brief detour now and chat about the score. Jerry Goldsmith is the man responsible for scoring the most of the film, and the score as it is is nothing short of outstanding. You can if you so wish get a hold of the special edition DVD and hear the original Goldsmith music cues, as opposed to the final cues used in the theatrical cut, but really...Why fix something that isn't broken? The music is bleak and sometimes bizarre but perfect for a horror film. Often I find that the best music in a film is the music that you don't really notice and here it does a good job of adding to the tension without being intrusive.

There's another plus point, if I was keeping score this film would be off the charts by now. So let's take a u-turn and discuss one of the bad points of the film, oh yes, this film has bad points.



You'll never see much of the Alien, and one suspects that as well as being a deliberate choice on the part of the director, it's also a choice based on the restrictions of special effects back in 1979. Let me tell you this, the Alien looks good when it does get screen time...For the most part. Sometimes it's all too apparent that we're dealing with a man in a suit, but that's kind of OK. I'd probably take a man in a suit now over some of the appalling overuse of frankly terrible CG I've seen in recent years (I'm looking at you Spider-Man 3), so it's just dandy for 1979. There's nothing particularly outstanding about creature effects, it's never going to be on par with say, The Thing, for innovation and there are a couple of particularly bad parts that I can't help wondering about. Let me take you back to those parts. Lambert (Cartwright) is backed up against a wall and the big scary Alien is all ready to eat her face (That was a bit spoilery, but if you can't predict that the crew die in a sci-fi horror film about an Alien, well then you're probably a retard) and some crappy looking coat-hanger reaches up her leg in a closeup. That's number one. Number two would be the end of the film, with the stupid looking Alien in all it's glory getting bandied around the outside of the ship. (again, spoilery, but again if you can't predict an ending as obvious as THE ALIEN DIES then you should probably be shot.) I'm being harsh, these are blips, the Alien head models designed by Giger for the film and inspired by his earlier work Necronom IV, make up for it by being spectacular and original and one shot in particular involving said head will make you shit your pants, and that's good enough for me.

Almost there now kids, one last mention, Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett. Who are they? I hear you cry, well without the minds of Mr O'Bannon and Shusett (two writers who are also of course responsible for Total Recall, another cinematic masterpiece) there would be no Alien because these are the brains behind the script and the original concept and the ones responsible for marking the crew as unisex on said script, essentially giving rise to the idea that Ripley could be female, although they had intended her to be male, and thus giving birth to one of the greatest heroines ever seen in cinema and notably, the first female action star on screen.

So...What am I really saying here? Let me break it down. Everything (man in suit blips don't count) about this film is spectacular. The writing, the sets, the pacing, the lighting, the cinematography, the casting and the acting. Why are you not watching it right now?

In space...No one can hear you scream.

Ridge Racer 7

Genre: Arcade racer
Platform: PS3

The gameplay here is relatively simple; it's a racing game. However it's not as easy to pick up and play on your first try as a game like Motorstorm for example. There is a particular technique that you'll need to get the hang of, which you'll improve on the more you play the game, called drifting. Drifting is achieved by directing your car into a turn and letting go of the accelerator. As the car begins to drift, you'll need to hit the accelerator again and use the directional buttons to adjust the angle of the vehicle as it drifts round the bend, preparing it for exit. Drifting builds up 'nitrous', which can then be used as a speed boost. Nitrous storage is divided into three capsules and can only be used after at least one capsule has been filled. Similarly, nitrous can only be deployed in certain amounts - either one capsule, two, or all three at a time, which adds a tactical element to the game.



All the different modes that you would expect from a racing game are present, including an online mode which works pretty well. The further you progress in the single player mode, which is structured around of a series of single races and mini tournaments and includes car modification, the more features are unlocked for the arcade mode, such as the option of unlimited nitrous. There are a decent number of tracks which can all be reversed, and some modified slightly, and also an offline two player splitscreen mode.

Visually the game can't be faulted. Despite being neither graphically ground breaking, or even remotely photo realistic, it's still one of the prettiest next gen games so far. Rich, colourful visuals, bright lights and reflections, shiny car models and smooth, futuristic environments all make for an aesthetically pleasing combination. One potential downside is the lack of car damage, which could have been a nice touch. Considering the game's arcade nature and general removal from reality however, it's more forgiveable than the bumper car collisions of Gran Turismo 5: Prologue. The also game runs remarkably smoothly and at 1080p resolution, any framerate blips are few and far between and have only occurred during a rare few extremely congested and high speed turns.


Not that I have anything against techno, but the music is pretty awful to be honest. It does however suit the vibe of the game, making it just about bearable. Ridge Racer 6 on the Xbox 360 has the advantage of custom soundtracks, whereby your own music can be used in place of the default in game music. Of course you could always just mute the in game music and play something through an iPod.

The major plus points here are addictive gameplay, smooth performance, and lush visuals. The negatives are terrible music and a lack of custom soundtracks, and no rumble patch as of yet.

In summary you should try this game; if you like how it plays, it's certainly worth owning. If not, you're probably an idiot.

Lost In Translation

Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Bill Murray.
Directed by: Sofia Coppola
Release date: October 2003
Trailer: [via YouTube] [via official site]

Lost In Translation is a film that
almost defies categorization, but let's slot it into comedy-drama, actually I guess that's a pretty snug fit. Now let's get on with what really matters, is it a good film? In short, yes. What makes it good? Well allow me to tell you...

Let's start with the casting, you'll forgive me if I almost wrote 'inspired casting' there I'm sure, because there couldn't be a more perfect male lead than Bill Murray. We've all seen his dry, witty, cynical characters in many a film, it's practically his lifeblood and here he'll retain his comedy genius in spectacular style. His character, Bob Harris, is an aging film star, married with kids, and stuck in Japan promoting a whisky and it's clear from the beginning he's a fish out of water both with the cultural differences and with his 'selling out'. Despite his obvious depression, he'll be the one keeping you laughing throughout the film.

Moving on...Scarlett Johansson. Now I confess to not having recognised her from anything when I first saw the film, and having heard she wasn't a terribly great actress, but if that's the case she managed to fool me. Her performance is nothing short of outstanding as the young, married and disillusioned Charlotte. Unsure of what to do with her life and feeling distanced from her husband, she too is immersed in a culture she doesn't understand.

So it begins. Two lost souls, unable to sleep and in unfamiliar surroundings have their chance meeting in a hotel somewhere in Tokyo and so begins the friendship that carries the movie. Now if you're coming to this film expecting some kind of epic romance you're going to be disappointed. Bob and Charlotte never vocalise their feelings for each other, but the truth is, they don't have to. In fact, they don't really say much at all. At one point there's a very clear opportunity for them to consummate their relationship, but they don't. Not even so much as a kiss. It shows the integrity and honesty of both characters well and to be honest, it's refreshing. It's apparent there's something deep between them and I'm thankful that we're thought intelligent enough for it to remain unsaid. All too often a film will spell out the obvious.

The central relationship between Bob and Charlotte is far from the most beautiful thing in this film though. Japan itself is one of the stars of the show, and it's shot beautifully at every turn. Another commendation to Sofia Coppola comes when we look at the soundtrack. Kevin Shields of My Bloody Valentine fame provides some of the outstanding tracks and when MBV's Sometimes fills your ears, you'll swear blind it's the greatest use of music you've heard since Pulp Fiction. Air is another notable and welcome addition to the soundtrack and to top it all off, Jesus and Mary Chain - Just like Honey will crown the closing sequence perfectly.

Now about that end scene...Some will find it disappointing, and to be honest if you're one of those people (you probably wanted them to fuck like rabbits, right?) you probably weren't as enthralled by the film as I was. If you're anything like me you'll think it couldn't have been more perfect. One solitary moment for Bob and Charlotte only that we'll never be privy to. Of course if you're really curious you can sift through the bowels of the internet (I'm looking at you YouTube) and find a digitally enhanced end scene which tacks on some subtitles and convinces you that's what's being said. Whether it's truly what was being said or not, I can't tell. But I'll say this, even if it is, it makes the ending no less ambiguous.

So how to sum the film up? It's beautiful in every sense, dripping with atmosphere, intense, funny, gripping and wrapped in an amazing soundtrack. What more could you ask for? What? Monkeys juggling chainsaws...OK well, fair enough.